Party Jokes

[Bluebird]

The wife asked her man the other day to describe them together in one sentence.
So he went, " We are like the earth and moon, where I'm the moon and you're the earth. "
" Is it cause you're always attracted to me?, " she asked with little smile.
" Nope, it's cause you're 3 times the size of me, " I replied.

 

[Bluebird]

A man was washing the car yesterday when his wife said, " You love that car more than me. "
He replied, " Don't be daft, I love you more than anything in the world. "
" Well, " she replied. " You never get me that wet. "

 

[Bluebird]

A young man was talking with his girlfriend the other day.
" You know, you're like a parking ticket, " he said.
She said, " Is it because I've got fine written all over me?. "
" No, it's because when I do see you I know I'm going to lose money. "

 

[Bluebird]

A wife told her man last night that before she first asked him out, her sister quite fancied him and was going to do the same.
" Don't say that, " I said to her.
" Don't be embarrassed, " she laughed.
" I'm not, pumpkin, " I replied. " Just pissed off because she didn't. "

 

[Bluebird]

A young man said to his girlfriend, " You're like a cloud. "
" Awe, is it because I'm beautiful and a pleasure to watch?, " she giggled.
He said, " Nah, when you disappear, my day gets brighter."

 

[thahappycamper]

Aint no party like a no-limit party cause a no limit party don't stop

 

[Bluebird]

The husband was feeling really horny this morning, so he rolled over and looked at the wife.
" Fancy a shag?, " he asked.
" Sorry babe," she said with a smile. " I'm on my period, so there's no spam going in my inbox today. "
" That's okay ," he replied. " I can just use your outbox instead then."

 

[Bluebird]

The wife jokingly said, " You better not trade me in for a younger model. "
" Of course not," he replied. " It wouldn't be a fair trade. "

 

[Bluebird]

"How many women have you cheated with?," the wife screamed."Tell me the truth or I'm walking out that door right now."
"Three" he quickly replied.
"You said four a minute ago?," She sighed.
"I'll get your bags for you," he said.

 

[Bluebird]

A married couple have been together for years. One morning, the husband is reading his newspaper when his wife says,
" I wish I was your newspaper, then you'd give me your full attention for hours every day. "
" Oh, that's nice darling, " replies the man. " You know, I wish I could have a wife like a newspaper. "
" Oh yes, " continues the woman excitingly. " Because then you'd be able to put your hands all over me every day!. "
" No, " says the husband. " Because then I could throw out the old one every night and pick up a nice, fresh, new one every morning. "

 

[Bluebird]

Marriage is an institution.
Marriage is love. Love is blind.
Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.

 

[Bluebird]

" I had a really filthy dream last night, " he told his wife.
" Was I in it?, " She asked.
" Of course, you were, " he said. " And you were fantastic. "
" Well I always am, " She said smugly. " What did I do?. "
" You set me up with your sister, " he answered with a smile.

 

[Bluebird]

" Doctor, " the embarrassed man said. " I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore. "
" Mr. Dick, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do. "
The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife.
" Take off your clothes, Mrs. Dick," the doctor said.
" Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on. "
The doctor took the husband aside. " You're in perfect health, Mr Dick, " he said. " Your wife didn't give me an erection either. "

 

[Bluebird]

A girl went to a party last night and got absolutely smashed.
The boyfriend said, "Your problem is, you never know when you've had enough!."
She replied, "Actually, I do. Which is why I packed my suitcases this morning."

 

[Bluebird]

A girl burst into the bedroom last night naked.
" Hey big boy," she winked. "You're getting lucky tonight. "
" I know I am," the boyfriend replied. " I've just got off the phone, your mother's died. "

 

[Bluebird]

The husband and wife were having Christmas drinks with friends.
When one asked, " What's everyone's New Year's resolution?. "
The husband said, " Mine's going to be, to have more sex. "
" Oh, great!, " the wife sighed.
" Don't worry, my love, " he assured her. " It's not going to affect you. "

 

[Bluebird]

A guy runs into an ex-girlfriend, with whom he didn't have the greatest relationship.
"You know, I was with another woman last night, but I was still thinking of you."
"Why, because you miss me?."
"No, because it keeps me from cumming too fast."

 

[Bluebird]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

Man: "Hello?."
Woman: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?."
Man: "Yes."
Woman: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only two thousand pounds. Is it okay if I buy it?."
Man: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
Woman: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2008 models. I saw one I really liked."
Man: "How much?."
Woman: "I think its $68,000 dollars."
Man: "Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options."
Woman: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. The asking-price is 1.25 million."
Man: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer 1 mil."
Woman: "Okay, honey, you're the best!. I love you!."
Man: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
He starts to smile and asks: "Does anyone know whose phone this is?."

 

[Bluebird]

The girlfriend asked, "Do you want to get married?."
He replied, "Sure."
She said, "Great, when?."
He said, "Well, like every other guy; when I meet the right girl."

 

[Bluebird]

A boy and a girl have just had sex.
Girl: "Ever met someone as hot as me in bed?."
Boy: "Uhmm...Yeah, just the one."
Girl: "Oh..."
Boy: "Yeah, she's got the same hair color."
Girl: "Really?."
Boy: "Same surname. Lives at this address. Looks a lot like you!."
Girl: "Awe...That's so......"
Boy: "Yeah, your mom's awesome."